101 Ways to Kill Umbridge
by Espoir Noir
Summary: Sick to death of his DADA professor, Ron decided to compile this list.
1. Chapter 1

101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

This list is the sole property of the one and only Ron Weasley. So if anyone else is reading this, hands off! (Unless of course you happen to hate Umbridge as much as I do). (Or if you happen to be Harry Potter or Hermione Granger, in which case, feel free to add your own ideas to the list).

(Before he starts, I, Miss Hermione Granger, would like to add that although I thoroughly believe that teachers should be respected and admired, Professor Umbridge is a cow and so I am making an exception).

(A cow?! Wow, you really hate her don't you?)

(Yes, Ronald, I do).

(That's only because you think she's going to make you fail your O.W.L.s. Not that I don't agree of course. Anybody who makes me cut my own skin is a cow.)

(Thank-you for your support, Harry.)

(Anytime.)

(Right, well now we've old had that jolly little conversation, do you think we could start? Because otherwise we're going to run out of parchment.)

(Sorry Ronald.)

(And please stop calling me Ronald).

(Sorry Ronald.)

(You can be right pain sometimes Hermione, you know that don't you?)

(I thought you wanted to start?)

(I do.)

(Then what's stopping you, Ronald?)

(I'm just going to ignore that.)

(That's right mate, don't let her get to you.)

(You do realise you didn't answer the question, Ronald?)

(Shut-up, Hermione.)

1. Avada Kedavra (I know it's obvious, but I thought we'd start out simple – R.W.)

2. Squash her with a thousand copies of 'Defensive Magical Theory'. (And since we're crediting: H.G.)

(Trust you to kill her off with a book!)

(Well, they're very useful, Ronald. Perhaps if you read more of them you'd know that by now.)

3. Carve 'I must not teach crap to my students' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (H.P.)

4. Carve 'I must not constantly pretend I have a cough as it possibly one of the most irritating noises in the world' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (H.G.)

5. Carve 'I look like a giant toad' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (R.W.)

6. Carve 'I wish I was as smart as the wonderful Ron Weasley' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (H.P.)

(How much did Ron pay you to write that?)

(What do you mean? He didn't pay me anything!)

(What did he give you then? Or promise you?)

(Nothing! Okay, he promised he'd give me twenty galleons when we finished school and he had a job).

(Harry! You weren't supposed to tell her!)

(I didn't! She knew anyway.)

(Well you could've pretended at least.)

(Sorry.)

(That's okay. I forgive you, because I am a gentle, merciful man. Are you reading this Hermione?)

(Yes, Ronald.)

7. Push her off a broom when she's flying over a pit filled with daggers. (R.W.)

8. Put her in an enclosed room and release twenty boxes of bludgers. (H.P.)

9. Put her in an enclosed room with Fred and George and release twenty boxes of bludgers. (R.W.)

(Trust you two to come up with Quidditch related murder strategies.)

(What's that's supposed to mean?)

(Well, Ronald, in case you hadn't noticed, not everybody is completely obsessed with Quidditch.)

(And?)

(Never mind. Besides, if you put Fred and George in the room with the twenty boxes of bludgers wouldn't they get killed as well?)

(Nah. They're too good at Quidditch.)

(Why, thank-you, little brother.)

(Hey! Get lost, Fred! This is my list.)

(Well, to start with, it's George as well, and secondly you stated in the opening paragraph that it was open to anyone who happened 'to hate Umbridge as much as I do.' Which we do.)

(Oh. I forgot about that.)

10. Put her in an enclosed space with a pack of Umbridge Ungues. Extremely painful and rather slow. (F.W. & G.W.)

(What in Merlin's name is an Umbridge Ungue?)

(An unguis is a nail, claw, or hoof. Which you would know Ronald, if you ever listened in Potions.)

(And an Umbridge Unguis looks rather like a cross between a Fanged Frisbee and a bludger with claws.)

(Right. Where do you get one from?)

(You can't yet. They're still in the development process.)

(Oh.)

(I would just like to say, that although I disapprove of the majority of your tricks, I think it's remarkable that you managed to find a word to alliterate with 'Umbridge'.)

(Thank-you Hermione. We also considered Umbridge Urushiol, or Umbridge Upas, but we thought Umbridge Unguis sounded best.)

(What's with all the ridiculously weird words? Did you look through the entire 'U' section of the dictionary.)

(Well, yes, actually. And while we're on the subject of 'U' words, we would like to add that we hope Umbridge catches urticaria.)

(That's a muggle disease though.)

(All the better.)

(Look, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped leaving me out of the conversation.)

(Well, little brother, it's not really a conversation considering we're writing.)

(Whatever. What is urticaria?)

(It's a skin condition where you get huge welts all over your body that are incredibly itchy.)

(Nasty.)

(That's the point.)


	2. Chapter 2

101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

11. Lock her in a room with Filch. That'd kill anyone. (H.P.)

(That's not very nice, Harry.)

(Sorry. It's true though.)

12. Lock her in a room with Grawp. (H.P.)

(You're going to need a very large room.)

(Hermione, the whole point of this list is that it's hypothetical. If we could actually kill her, then I don't think we'd bother spending all this time writing a list.)

(Sorry Ronald.)

(Arrrrrggghhh!)

(Did I do something wrong?)

(No, I think running around the room and repeatedly hitting himself in the head is Ron's way of letting off some steam.)

(Oh. That's lucky. I thought he might've gone mad.)

13. Force her to go to Potions. And do the homework. (R.W.)

(In case you haven't noticed Ronald, you've been attending Potions for five years now and you haven't died.)

(No, but I've come close. Suicide looks extremely tempting compared with Snape.)

(I thought the point of the list was to come up with ways that were supposed to kill Umbridge, not come close to killing her? And that wasn't a very nice thing to say about Snape.)

(Well he's not a very nice person is he?)

(That's putting it mildly, Harry. Snape is a big-nosed, greasy haired, stomach churning, nauseating, revolting little prat.)

(Ronald!)

(It's true, Hermione. Besides, he's never going to read this so it doesn't matter.)

(Thanks for your support, Harry. And stop looking so upset, Hermione.)

(I'm not upset. I just think you shouldn't criticise teachers, apart from Umbridge. And I don't think Number 13 counts because it wouldn't actually kill her.)

(Fine.)

13. Let a Hungarian Horntail loose on her. (H.P.)

(I reckon she'd die of shock before the Horntail got her. Shock that Defensive Magical Theory doesn't actually work in real life.)

(I agree, Ronald.)

(He's doing that letting off steam thing again, Hermione.)

(Mmmm. I wonder if he's caught some sort of disease.)

14. Call her 'Dolly.' Then she really would die of shock. (R.W.)

(I dare you to try that in class tomorrow.)

(Harry! Stop encouraging him. He'd probably get expelled!)

(Would you miss me if I got expelled?)

(No, I just don't think your mother would be able to cope with you at home for the rest of your life.)

(I'd get a job!)

(Without your O.W.L.s?)

(Oh. Good point.)

15. Run her over with a truck. (H.P.)

(What's a truck?)

(It's a muggle vehicle, like a car except much bigger.)

(So it'd squish her?)

(Yes.)

(Brilliant.)

16. Run her over with a truck. (R.W.)

(Ron, I just wrote that in Number 15.)

(I know, but I think it's really good, so it's worth writing it twice.)

17. Set a dementor on her. (H.P.)

(That wouldn't work. A dementor sucks out your soul, and Umbridge doesn't have a soul.)

(Harsh, Hermione, very harsh. But true.)

(Thank-you, Harry.)

(As the creator of this list, I would just like to point out that even if Umbridge did have a soul it wouldn't kill her, because you're still alive after you've been given the Dementor's Kiss. However, it would be really horrible, so it still counts.)

18. Set a giant spider on her. (R.W.)

(The correct term is 'Acromantula', Ronald.)

(Same difference.)

(Well, they're not going to ask you in an exam how to kill a 'giant spider' are they? They're going to say 'Acromantula.')

(They might ask me what the correct term is for a giant spider though. In which case I would be able to answer perfectly, thanks to you. And why does everything have to come back to exams anyway?)

(Because in case you hadn't noticed, Ronald, getting a good mark in an exam means that we'll be able to get a good job, which means that we'll able to make lots of money, which means that we'll be able to live happily ever after.)

(I thought you didn't care about money?)

(I don't. But you do.)

(True. Hang on, is that an insult?)

(Not at all.)

19. Stab her with a hat pin. (H.G.)

(A hat pin??)

(Yes, Ronald, a hat pin. If you read more widely perhaps you would know that a famous fictional French detective once solved a case where someone was murdered by a hat pin. Clean, but deadly.)

(Yeah. I prefer something a bit more showy myself.)

(Why am I not surprised?)

(Is _that_ an insult?)

(Not at all.)

20. Set her on fire in the middle of a Quidditch game. (R.W.)

(Why in the middle of a Quidditch game?)

(Because, Hermione, then everybody would be able to watch and cheer. If you did it with a hat pin, people might not even know she'd been murdered.)

(That was sort of the point, Ronald.)

(Oh.)


	3. Chapter 3

101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

21. Strangle her with her stupid pink bow. (H.P.)

22. Strangle her with her awful pink cardigan. (R.W.)

(Boys, do you really think it's a smart idea to be writing this in the middle of her class?)

(Probably not. But she's too stupid to realise.)

(Yes Ronald. That would be why she's currently looking at you and coughing.)

(Well, obviously that's because she thinks I'm amazingly handsome and can't take her eyes off me.)

(Obviously.)

(Hermione, just because you can't handle the fact that someone might actually admire me, doesn't mean you have to be all sarcastic.)

(Even if that person's Umbridge?)

(Shut-up, Hermione.)

23. Suffocate her by stuffing all the pages of 'Defensive Magical Theory' up her nose. (H.P.)

(She could still breathe through her mouth.)

(Shut-up Hermione.)

(I wasn't even talking to you, Ronald.)

(I know. I was feeling left out.)

(Well, Umbridge is coming to comfort you.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(As creator and sole owner of this list, I would just like to point out that it was not completely my fault the parchment was ripped. In fact, I personally think it was entirely Hermione's fault, but that's just me. Anyway, my point is that the parchment was ripped because Hermione was still writing on it when Umbridge was about two metres away, so I had to pull it off her and it tore. Obviously it was all in the interests of protecting my privacy, not because I was scared of what she would do if she read it.)

(She'd probably just die of shock.)

(True, Harry. Maybe I _should_ show it to her.)

(I hope you're not being serious, Ronald.)

(Hermione, do you really think that I would like to have 'I must not tell anyone what a cow Umbridge really is' carved onto my hand?)

(Sometimes I wonder.)

(Now that was definitely an insult.)

(Not at all.)

24. Smash her over the head with those stupid kitten plates she has. (H.P.)

25. Get Grawp to smash her over the head with those stupid plates. (H.G.)

26. Introduce her to Voldemort. (R.W.)

(Do you think he would kill her?)

(Obviously, Harry. Even Voldemort would be able to realise what a cow she is.)

(Nah, I reckon he'd recruit her, not kill her.)

(Harry, like Remus said, the world is not divided into good people and Death Eaters.)

(I _know_ that, Hermione. I'm just saying, I don't think Voldemort would think she was so awful.)

(I don't think she's a killer. She might be a cow, but I don't think she wants to go around exterminating muggles.)

(She's never given you lines, Hermione.)

27. Introduce her to a blast-ended screwt. (R.W.)

(I am so glad Hagrid hasn't done anything like that this year. Then he'd definitely be fired.)

(Or put in Azkaban, Hermione. Cross-breeding is illegal.)

(Thank-you for pointing that, Ronald.)

(No problem. I love being able to teach you something.)

(I think she was being sarcastic, Ron.)

(Oh.)

28. Introduce her to Lupin at the full moon. (H.P.)

(Harry, I don't think that's very nice. Remus would hate to discover he'd killed someone.)

(Not if it was Umbridge.)

(Even Umbridge.)

28. Introduce her to an unspecified werewolf at the full moon. (H.P.)

(Happy now?)

(You don't have to get narky, Harry. I just think you should be careful when you say things like that.)

(I'm not narky. Am I narky, Ron?)

(Nah. Well, okay, maybe just a little.)

(Gee, thanks for your support.)

(No problem.)

(I was being sarcastic, Ron.)

(I know, Harry. So was I. Don't look so surprised, Hermione.)

(I'm not surprised. More astonished.)

29. Introduce her to Ron. She'd die of horror. (F.W.)

(Fred! This is _my _list!)

(I know, little brother, that's partly what it makes it so much fun.)

(You think it's fun to insult me?)

(Well, yes.)

(Doesn't have anything to say to that does he, Fred?)

(No, dear brother, he most certainly doesn't. I love it when he gets that look on his face, with his ickle nose all screwed up. Almost makes me want to coo at him.)

(I'm glad you said 'almost' there, Fred. Otherwise I'd start to wonder whether I was related to you.)

30. Introduce her to Mum when she's angry. (G.W.)

(That's not a very nice thing to say.)

(Hermione, the world isn't nice. And besides, George is right, Mum is like a dragon when she's mad.)

(Is that spoken from experience, Fred?)

(Too right, Hermione! The lectures I've had…)

(I'm surprised you're still standing.)

(Well, Hermione, I guess you could say I'm a survivor. It's tough blood we Weasleys have. Except for Ron, of course.)

(Hey!)


	4. Chapter 4

101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

31. Burn her alive. (H.G.)

32. Shove a stake through her heart. (H.P.)

(Why??)

(Well Ronald, if you actually took an interest in literature you'd know that one of the most common beliefs about vampires is that they can only be killed by putting a stake through their heart.)

(So, what you're basically saying is that Umbridge is a vampire?)

(Correct.)

(But she's not really is she?)

(Harry, do you want to explain this one?)

(Love to. Ron, we're making fun of her. We're saying she's as evil as a vampire.)

(Right….Don't sigh at me like that, Hermione.)

(I wasn't sighing. I was letting out a breath of disbelief.)

(I'm just going to ignore that.)

(You do that.)

33. Peel off her skin, layer by excruciating layer. (R.W.)

(Ronald! That's disgusting!)

(Gee, Ron, I didn't know you knew such long words….)

(Ronald! There is no need to hit Harry.)

(Yes there is! He insulted me!)

(Grow up.)

34. Chop off her head. (H.G.)

(And you were telling me I was disgusting?)

(I was referring to a famous muggle children's book called 'Alice in Wonderland.')

(Sounds really age appropriate.)

(It is! It's a wonderful story about a girl who falls down a rabbit hole and follows the White Rabbit. And she meets lots of interesting characters like the Cheshire cat and the Mad Hatter, and the Queen of Hearts, who wants to chop off her head.)

(Lovely. Sounds like whoever who wrote it had too much firewhiskey.)

(Ronald!)

35. Get the giant squid to strangle her. (R.W.)

36. Get the mermaids to stab her with their fork things. (R.W.)

(They're called tridents, Ronald. And why are you suddenly using water related deaths.)

(I've been inspired. A first year tried to swim out to the middle today on a dare and nearly drowned.)

(How inspiring.)

(Well, it was funny at the time.)

(Hilarious.)

(Don't mock me.)

(I think you're rubbing off on him, Hermione. First 'excruciating', and now 'mock'. Mrs. Weasley will be impressed.)

(Ronald, if you keep hitting Harry that hard you'll kill him, and then there'll be nobody to help you with Defence Against the Dark Arts.)

(Well, he should stop insulting me then.)

(Stop acting out of character then.)

(Merlin, I can't do anything right, can I? If I use normal words you call me stupid, and if I use longer – notice I said longer, not long – you call me Hermione.)

(Are you saying I'm an insult, Ronald?)

(Yes! Exactly. I mean, no, of course not. I wouldn't say anything like that, I just mean that, well, you're incredibly smart and sometimes…)

(Dig up, Ron, dig up.)

(What?)

(He's referring to the fact that you're digging yourself into a hole, Ronald.)

(Oh. What? )

(Never mind.)

37. Strangle her with seaweed. (H.P.)

(Why is it called seaweed if it grows in a lake?)

(No idea, Ron.)

(Hermione?)

(I think she's ignoring you, Ron.)

(Why, what did I do?)

(You said she was an insult.)

(Oh. I didn't mean to, I just meant that –

(Apologise, Ron.)

(Oh. Sorry Hermione.)

(Harry? She's still not saying anything.)

(Probably because she hasn't read it yet.)

(Don't be silly. Hermione would read a squid's backside if it had something written on it.)

(So would you, probably.)

(Yeah, come to think of it, I probably would. Could be funny.)

(We're getting off the point.)

(Oh. What should I do?)

(Open your mouth and apologise.)

(Sorry Hermione.)

(I meant, say it to her, not write 'Sorry Hermione' with your mouth hanging open.)

(Oh.)

(For anyone who might read this list in a hundred years time, Ron is currently apologising to Hermione is person. She is still ignoring him. Looks like she might hex him actually. Oh, there she goes. Ron now has small purple antennas growing out his ears. Now he's running around the room screaming and clutching his ears. Now he's tripped over and he's trying to clutch his ears and rub his leg at the same time. Hermione's just reversed the hex. Ron hasn't noticed. He's still clutching his ears. Someone's just pointed out how much of an idiot he looks. He's blushing. Badly. Now he's walking over. Now he's glaring at Hermione. She's smiling, I think she's forgiven him. Hexing is good like that. Relieves your anger a bit. )

38. Hex her. Then drown her. (H.G.)

(Ha ha. Very funny.)

(Thank-you, Ronald.)

(I was being sarcastic, Hermione.)

(I know.)

(Well aren't you just the 'brightest witch of your age.' Oh look, Harry, she's going red.)

(Suits her better than you.)

(Shut up.)

39. Get Ron to read a list of incredibly long words. She'd die of shock. (H.P.)

(I thought I told you to shut up?)

(You did. I'm ignoring you.)

(The problem, Harry, would be that he might have trouble pronouncing them.)

(Look! Stop with the insults!)

(Now you know how it feels.)

(Hermione, I didn't mean to insult you.)

(Of course not.)

(Honestly! Please don't look at me like that.)

(Like what?)

(Arrggghh!! Like that!)

40. Suffocate her with lake mud. (R.W.)

(Right….)

(Haven't you ever smelt that stuff, Hermione?)

(No. Can't say I have.)

**A/N: **I am so sorry that this has taken so long to update. I've just been so busy, I haven't had time to sit down and write at all, and I apologise sincerely. Thank-you to all the wonderful people reviewing, it makes it all worthwhile. Thank-you also to people sending in ideas, I promise they will be written in - I'm trying to do it thematically at the moment which is why they haven't appeared yet.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. It's my first time writing the trio, and writing comedy/humour as well, and I know there is so much I can improve on. Feel free to criticise or send in ideas. There's still another sixty one to go….


	5. Chapter 5

101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

41. Beat her over the head with my broom until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

42. Beat her over the head with 'Defensive Magical Theory' until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

43. Beat her over the head with a shovel until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

44. Beat her over the head with a chair until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

45. Beat her over the head with the fire poker until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

(Somebody's feeling a little bit tense…)

(Well, Ron, maybe you would too if Umbridge had just given you a three foot essay on the importance of resisting dark magic in the present day, and told you that there was to be no mention of You-Know-Who or Deatheaters.)

(You just keep beating her over the head then, Ginny.)

(Shut-up, Ron.)

46. Beat her over the head with my blasted wand until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

47. Beat her over the head with a shoe until her brain collapses. (H.P.)

(Thought I'd come and join in the fun.)

(Please do, Harry. It's proving quite calming.)

48. Beat her over the head with a sock until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

(Ginny, how in Merlin's name are you going to kill her with a sock?)

(Slowly, Ron. Slowly and painfully.)

(You know, Ron, I don't know if you shouldn't be the slightest bit worried about your little sister.)

(Shut-up, Harry.)

(Yes, Ginny.)

49. Beat her over the head with a pillow until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

(Is that another supposedly slow and painful death?)

(Yes, Ron.)

(Maybe we should leave her to do this anger release thing in private, Ron.)

(Okay, I'm coming.)

50. Petrify Ron and beat her over the head with him until her brain collapses. (G.W.)

(Hey! I haven't left yet!)

(Good for you.)

(Okay, I'm going now before you petrify me just to relieve some of that tension.)

(You do that.)

(I am. I've left. And I'm not coming back until you've calmed down.)

(Goodbye then.)

(I mean it. Take some deep breaths or something.)

(Ron, come on, or else she really is going to pull her wand on you.)

(I'm coming.)

(JUST LEAVE ALREADY!)

(Okay. We've left.)

(Finally.)


	6. Chapter 6

**101 Ways to Kill Umbridge**

51. Poke her eyes out with her own wand so she can't see, and then let a centaur loose on her. (H.G.)

(Let's see how she likes half-breeds then!)

(You let that centaur loose on her, Hermione!)

(Shut-up, Harry.)

(Okay.)

52. Poke her eyes out with her own wand and then let Grawp loose on her. (H.P.)

53. Poke her eyes out with her own wand and then let all the Hogwarts house elves loose on her. (R.W)

(Please, don't look at me like that, Hermione.)

(Then please change your attitude towards house elves.)

(No. Okay, if I say I will sometime soon will that do?)

(For the moment…)

54. Poke her eyes out with her own wand and then throw her in the lake so the merpeople will get her. (H.P.)

55. Poke her eyes out with her own wand and then let me at her. (R.W.)

(Actually screw that last one.)

56. Let me strangle her with my bare hands! (R.W.)

(You know, Hermione, I don't know whether this list is helping Ron at all. He seems to be getting angrier with each new idea.)

(I know what you mean. And he gets that glazed look in his eyes during class, as if he's dreaming up new ways to kill her off.)

(Or else he's having fantasies about her.)

(Hey! I'm right here you know!)

(Yes, Ronald, we know.)

57. Give her a love letter from Ron, she'd die of shock. (H.P.)

(Hey! Will you quit making fun of me?)

(Let me think about that one for a moment. No, Ron, I don't think I will.)

(Just in case there is somebody else reading this list, Ronald is now hitting Harry with the closest text book [it's '101 Magical Herbs and Fungi' in case you were wondering], and Harry is finding it hard to hit back because he's laughing so much. Ronald is now sitting on Harry, who is still laughing. Ronald is writing on Harry's arm with his quill. I can't see what it is. Oh, there we go. Ronald has written 'I love Professor Umbridge' on Harry's arm. How witty.)

(There. That served you right, didn't it?)

(Well, considering you were the one that wrote it, Ronald, I wonder what that says about your state of mind.)

(What do you mean by that?)

(She means that you must have feelings Umbridge for you to think of writing that on my arm.)

(Oh not you too!)

58. Give her a mirror (H.P.)

(I wish it was as easy as that, Harry.)

(So do I, Ron.)

59. Lock her in a room, and play and endless tape of her going 'hem hem'. (H.G.)

(Good one!)

(What's a tape?)

(A device that stores music.)

(Okay. I'm just going to pretend I know what you're talking about.)

(You do that, Ronald.)

60. Lock her in a room and charm one of the walls to continually say 'hem hem.' (R.W.)

(What was the point of writing that, Ronald?)

(Because we happen to be able to use magic, Hermione, we don't _need _muggle traps or whatever you call them.)

(Tapes, Ronald.)

(Who cares?)

(Me.)

(I'm not going say what I'm thinking.)

(I wouldn't, Ron. She's got that dangerous glint in her eyes.)

(She doesn't need any glint to be dangerous.)

**A/N: Thank-you to all the lovely people who are reviewing! It is so encouraging! I would especially like to thank Ellyanah for the ideas for 58 and 59. **


	7. Chapter 7

**101 Ways to Kill Umbridge**

61. Transfigure her into a piñata and smash her to death. (H.P.)

(What's a pinny-whatsist?)

(A piñata, Ronald, is something muggle children have at parties. It's made of paper, and filled with sweets, and you have to hit it with a stick until it breaks open and the sweets come out.)

(Oh. Sort of like a Gnome Bash.)

(A what, Ronald?)

(A Gnome Bash. I had a great uncle who used to have a real problem with garden gnomes, and every so often he'd invite us all round for a Bash. We'd catch the gnomes and string them up, and then bash them with beater bats until they were dead. It was brilliant fun!)

(You beat innocent gnomes to death?)

(Did I say dead? I meant unconscious.)

(I hope so.)

62. Transfigure her into a gnome and have a Gnome Bash. Skipping the unconscious stage. (R.W.)

(Ronald!)

(Well, this is '101 Ways to Kill Umbridge'. Not '101 Ways to Make Umbridge Unconscious.)

(He's got a point, Hermione.)

(Shut-up, Harry.)

(Yeah Harry. Shut-up.)

(You shut-up, Ron.)

(Okay.)

63. Transfigure her into a vegetable and give her to Snape for dinner. (R.W)

(Ewww. Ronald, that is revolting.)

(I know.)

(Ron's revolting, Hermione.)

(Do you want to repeat that, Harry?)

(Not particularly, Ron.)

(Good.)

(But I will just for fun. You're revolting.)

64. Transfigure her into Harry, and then murder her. Using any of the options on this list. (R.W.)

(Firstly, you can't transfigure a person into somebody else. And secondly, why don't you just kill Harry straight out?)

(I will. As soon as I've killed the Umbridge Harry. Then I get twice the satisfaction. Three times actually because I will have killed Umbridge as well.)

65. Transfigure her into a large bone and feed her to Fang. (H.P.)

66. Transfigure her into a smaller Harry and feed her to Fluffy. (R.W)

(I just explained, Ronald, that you can't transfigure a person into somebody else. You need Polyjuice Potion to do that.)

(Fine.)

66. Give Umbridge Polyjuice potion which will transform her into Harry and then feed her to Fluffy. (R.W.)

67. Lock her in a room with a Fluffy. And no harp. (H.G.)

(Hermione, that's basically what I just wrote.)

(Well, I think the torture would be more drawn out if she were to be locked in the room rather than just fed to Fluffy.)

(Well, I think the point is the same. So credit for 67 goes to me.)

(As you wish, Sir Ronald.)

(Is she making fun of me again, Harry?)

(Oh, you've given up trying to kill me?)

(No. Answer the question.)

(Yes.)

(One day, Hermione, I'm just going to lose it with you and I'm going to….well, I haven't decided yet. But you'll regret it.)

(As you wish, Sir Ronald. Mind if I keep mocking you in the mean time?)

(Yes!)

68. Lock her in a room with Hermione. Eventually one of them would frustrate the other so much they'd attack. And I wouldn't care who died. (R.W.)

(You know Ron, if you killed both me and Hermione you wouldn't have any friends left.)

(Some friends you are.)

(Well some friend you are Ronald, trying to come up with ways to kill us.)

(Yeah. Why don't you just start a new list? '101 Ways to Kill My Two Best Friends.')

(You are not my two best friends at the moment.)

(Then you won't mind if we leave, Ronald?)

(Please, go quickly.)

(Okay. He seems set on hating us, Hermione.)

(Yes. I think we should go.)

(We're going now, Ron.)

(Good.)

(Okay, I'm out of ideas, can you come back now?)

(I don't think he's been very nice to us, Hermione.)

(No, I don't think so either, Harry. I'd say he owes us an apology.)

(Definitely.)

(Fine. I'm sorry.)

(I really don't think that's good enough, do you Hermione?)

(No, not at all.)

(Okay. I'm really sorry for threatening to kill you both.)

(You won't be doing it again will you, Ronald?)

(Probably. I mean, no of course not.)

(You'd rather flush your head in the toilet than hurt us like that again, wouldn't you, Ronald.)

(No.)

(Ron…)

(I mean, yes, Hermione.)

(What else would you rather do?)

(Umm….cover myself in Hippogriff dung?)

(And?)

(And….walk into the Great Hall singing "If You Were A Cauldron, You'd Be Boiling"?)

(Apology accepted.)

(Phew. Thanks, Hermione.)

(I didn't accept it.)

(Don't care, Harry)

(Are you sure?)

(Yes. I mean, no. I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, reaaaaaallllllllly, really, really, really, reaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyy, really, really, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, sorry, Harry.)

(Okay, I forgive you. Because I don't want to have to watch you writing that out again for another twenty minutes.)

69. Cover her in Hippogriff dung, and make her walk into the Great Hall in front of the hall school and sing 'If You Were A Cauldron, You'd Be Boiling'. She die of embarrassment. (H.P.)

(Ha, ha, Harry.)

(Thanks, Ron. Glad you found it funny.)

70. Cover in Hippogriff dung, and make her walk Great Hall in front of the hall school and sing a duet of 'If You Were A Cauldron, You'd Be Boiling' with Ronald. Then she would go deaf, and then die of embarrassment. (H.G.)

(Are you saying I can't sing?)

(Yes, Ronald.)


	8. Chapter 8

(A/N: Thank-you all for the beautiful reviews. It is all so encouraging. I'm not quite sure about this chapter, but several people requested it, so here it is. I have, for the first and probably only time, inserted the initials of the writers after their comments as it gets a little confusing. So, without further ado: the '101 Ways to Torture, Humiliate and Push Umbridge off the North Tower' chapter.)

**101 Ways to Kill Umbridge**

Mr. Ronald Weasley,

It is with a grave warning, that this list is returned to you. Professor McGonagall discovered it in the Gryffindor Common Room last week, and deemed it necessary for my viewing.

The teachers in this school are to be respected at all times, and I am disappointed to learn of your murderous intents in regards to Professor Umbridge. Behaviour such as this will not be tolerated at this school, and a repeat offence will result in weekly detentions with the professor in question for the rest of the school year. This is a punishment I do not wish to give out.

Please destroy this list at the earliest opportunity.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster

P.S. I hope you will excuse the additions.

71. Push her off the North Tower. (M.M)

(You always were one for the obvious solution, Minerva.) _(S.S)_

(Obvious, but foolproof). _(M.M)_

72. Drown her in the lake. (M.M)

(And before you criticise me again, Severus, come up with your own strategy.) _(M.M)_

73. Lock her in one of the dungeons (possibly where we found the body of that snotty little Ravenclaw that time), and let her die a slow death of starvation and dehydration. (S.S)

(Rather torturous, Severus.) _(A.D)_

(Thank-you, Dumbledore.) _(S.S)_

(Yes, Severus. I'm glad you still find the death of one of my students so amusing, even after twenty odd years.) _(F.F)_

(Well, Flitwick, he _was _asnotty little brat.) (_S.S)_

74. Charm her to only be able to say 'Cornelius Fudge is a bumbling idiot with the brain of a muggle monkey.' Surely Cornelius would kill her eventually. Or she'd die of embarrassment. (F.F)

75. Charm her to only be able to say 'Cornelius Fudge is a snivelling toe-rag.' (S.S)

76. Charm her to only be able to say 'I am an incompetent idiot, and a sorry excuse for a witch.' At least that's true. (M.M)

(Well said, Minerva.) _(A.D)_

(Thank-you, Albus.) _(M.M)_

(You could push her off the North Tower afterwards.) _(A.D)_

(Don't you start.) _(M.M)_

(I'm not starting anything. I'm merely continuing Severus' train of thought.) _(A.D)_

(Well, I'm not laughing.) _(M.M)_

(That's perfectly understandable. Filius and Severus, however, seem to find it amusing.) _(A.D)_

77. Transfigure her into a pig. Or a kitten, to match those ridiculous plates of hers. (M.M)

78. Transfigure her into a centaur. Perhaps she would then have a better understanding of half-breeds. (A.D)

(Excuse me, but how are either of those suggestions going to kill her?) _(S.S)_

(Minerva's going to push her off the North Tower afterwards.) _(A.D)_

(I'm warning you, Albus.) _(M.M)_

(Better watch out or she'll push you off there too, Albus.) _(S.S)_

(I've been wondering what happened to all those Ravenclaws she put in detention last week.) _(F.F)_

(Well, now you have your answer, Flitwick.) _(S.S)_

(Yes. I'd be worried about your Slytherins, Severus. Considering the long-standing grudge between your two houses.) _(F.F)_

(Now, now, Professors. Let's keep the written conversation civil.) _(A.D)_

(Yes, Headmaster.) _(F.F)_

79. Let's just slaughter her. In the Great Hall, with all the students. (S.S)

(Brilliant suggestion, Snape. Pity it won't work.) _(M.M)_

(Neither will yours, McGonagall.) _(S.S)_

80. Invent a new spell so that looks really can kill. And then invite her to a staff meeting. (A.D)

(Although, on second thoughts, she probably wouldn't be the only one to suffer.) _(A.D) _


	9. Chapter 9

(A/N: I got a little carried away. So this is an extra chapter, purely for my own (and hopefully your) entertainment.

The scenario: Ron found the returned list with Dumbledore's note after breakfast, and told Harry all about it on the way to Charms. Hermione has only just arrived, and caught the tail-end of the conversation. Their conversation is written on a scrap piece of parchment with the list in Ron's trunk. Harry is paired with Seamus, so the conversation is just between Hermione and Ron.

Enjoy.)

(Ronald, promise me you didn't really leave the list in the common room?)

(Of course not, Hermione)

(Liar. How else did McGonagall find it?)

(Well, I didn't mean to leave it there. I thought I'd put it with my essay.)

(Your Transfiguration essay?)

(That's the one.)

(That was so awful McGonagall didn't even bother marking it?)

(Yes…)

(You put that essay in the fire.)

(Oh. I did? Well, I must have put the list with my Potions notes.)

(You put those notes in the fire too. Just after you said 'Potions is about as useful as Percy on a broomstick'.)

(I'd forgotten about that.)

(Obviously. So you just 'forgot' the list?)

(Yes. Slipped my mind.)

(Even though we'd just written another ten ways to kill her?)

(Well, you know, I was tired.)

(I seem to recall you told us you were going to sit by the fire for a while because you weren't sleepy.)

(What is this, twenty questions?!)

(I've only asked six.)

(Trust you to count.)

(Trust you to plant the list so that McGonagall would find it.)

(I thought it would be funny.)

(So you admit that you left it in the common room on purpose?)

(Oh. I fell for that one, didn't I?)

(Yes. Answer the question.)

(Yes, Hermione. I purposely left the list in the common room so that McGonagall would find it.)

(You are unbelievable. Do you know how much trouble you could have got in?)

(Yes. Dumbledore kindly pointed that out to me.)

(Umbridge would have expelled you.)

(Good. Then I wouldn't have to put up with her as a teacher.)

(Ronald!)

(Well, she didn't, did she? And the other teachers seemed to think it was a brilliant idea. Of course, I always knew I was a genius. You just misunderstand me.)

(Yes, frankly, I was rather shocked at their behaviour. I mean, it's hardly appropriate for us to be writing it, but they're teachers!)

(Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. That's what it was.)

(Don't you know any other expressions?)

(You wouldn't like them.)

(Try me.)

(No, really. They're much worse.)

(I can handle it.)

(I don't really want to write it down. Especially if the teachers get a hold of this again.)

(Fine, just say it.)

(Flitwick will hear.)

(Whisper it then.)

(Told you.)

(Hermione?)

(Hermione? Please don't look at me like that.)

(Really, I did warn you. Please stop looking at me like that.)

(You have something on your face, Ronald.)

(Oh. What is it? Is it off now? Really, Hermione, I am sorry.)

(No, it's not off. Because it's your foul mouth. Nobody else would have an 'expression' quite as vivid as yours, Ronald.)

(Yeah, Fred and George do. They taught it to me.)

(Why does that not surprise me?)

(Umm, because you're used to their foul mouths?)

(It was a rhetorical question, Ronald.)

(I'll just pretend I know what 'rhetorical' means.)

(You do that.)

(Flitwick's coming.)


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **I am so sorry this has taken so long to update. Thank-you to **Lone.17** who sent me a lovely message urging me to update: I hope it lives up to your expectations.

I would also like to heartily thank **ballet-is-not-stupid** for No. 86, **CSIvHP11 **for No. 88, and **LunaPadma **for the idea for No. 89 (I'm sorry I couldn't make it work exactly as you suggested, I hope this doesn't disappoint.)

We're nearly there folks, only one chapter after this (I think…) Thank-you for all your lovely reviews, they are so encouraging. I'm sorry I don't reply to them all, I hope this chapter is apology enough.

Enjoy!

**101 Ways to Kill Umbridge**

81. Start an archery club at Hogwarts, and use her as the target. (H.P.)

(Pity it has even less chance of working than some of the others, seeing as how she's banned all clubs.)

(Ron, I thought we'd been over the whole hypothetical thing.)

(We had.)

82. Start a _secret_ archery club at Hogwarts, and use her as the target. (R.W.)

83. Start a _secret _javelin club, transfigure Ron into the javelin, and use her as the target. (H.P.)

84. Start a secretjavelin club, transfigure Harry into the javelin, and use her as the target. (R.W.)

(Honestly, you two are so pathetic sometimes.)

(Thanks, Hermione.)

(I don't think she meant that as a compliment, Harry.)

(I know, Ron. I was being sarcastic.)

(I wish you'd stop with this sarcastic stuff. It's really hard to tell you're doing it when you're writing it on paper.)

(Sorry, Ron.)

(No, you're not.)

(No. I was being sarcastic again.)

(Argghhh!)

(Honestly, Ronald. Build a bridge and get over it.)

(Nice line, Hermione. Where'd you get that from?)

(Ginny. Although I can make up smart comments by myself, Harry.)

(Oh, of course.)

(Stop smiling.)

85. Start a secret javelin club, skewer Umbridge on the javelin, and use both of you as the target. (H.G.)

(I've stopped smiling now, Hermione.)

(That was directed at Harry, Ronald, not you.)

(Oh.)

(But I'm glad you listen to me so intently.)

(Well, it wasn't so much listening as reading.)

(We know, Ron.)

(Shut-up, Harry.)

86. Force her to copy out the Bible using that awful quill of hers. (H.G.)

(What's the Bible?)

(A very long book, Ron.)

(Nice explanation, Harry.)

(Thanks, Hermione. I thought we might be here for a while if I went into more depth.)

(Very true.)

87. Force her to copy out 'Hogwarts, A History' using that blood quill. (R.W.)

(I don't think it's called a blood quill, Ronald. And 'Hogwarts, A History' isn't that long.)

(I think it is called a blood quill Hermione, and even if it isn't, I haven't heard a better name. And 'Hogwarts, A History' would kill her with boredom, as well as blood loss.)

(Watch out, Ron. She's got that look in her eyes that she gets when she's trying to think of a suitable spell.)

88. Teach her her own class. That would definitely be 'death by boredom' (H.P.)

(Good distraction, Harry.)

(That's what friends are for, Ron.)

89. Make Ron actually hand in his homework. She'd die of shock. (H.G.)

(She got you there, mate.)

(No she didn't. I see nothing wrong with not doing homework. In fact, I'm rather proud of it.)

(Trust you.)

90. Make Hermione not hand in her homework. She'd die of shock. (R.W.)

(That is not funny, Ronald.)

(Harry's laughing.)

(That's because he's as immature as you.)

(No, I just tell good jokes.)

(Please. That was an insult, not a joke.)

(Well, you insulted me first.)

(No, you did Ronald. By saying 'Hogwarts, A History', was boring.)

(Well, that's not insulting you. That's insulting the book.)

(I think he may have actually outsmarted you for the first time ever, Hermione.)

(Shut-up, Harry.)


End file.
